Badmouthing.

I've come to understand this recently.. It is almost impossible to not badmouth about somebody. Even if its your good friend. We are humans, we get angry too. We all have to vent our anger. The feeling of keeping everything inside you is just so unbearable......it might tear ourself apart anytime. 

People is a scary living thing. E.g. if I were to vent my anger, badmouth about someone to somebody, that 'somebody' will degrade me from being a "girl" to a "bitch". Not only that, that 'somebody' will tell 'someone'(the one that I badmouthed about) what I said. 

This happens so frequently that everyone thinks that it is normal to do so. I know it is a bad thing to badmouth about someone. But seriously, name me someone who don't. I believe everyone needs to vent. Keeping all the anger and sadness within you is just crazy.

The thing that frustrates me the most is when I vent to somebody. Somehow, that somebody will make use of this chance and pull me down. Telling what I said to everyone, and people start judging me. 

To be honest, I was once like that too. I get a slight tangy feeling of happiness(so pathetic.) But after experiencing it myself, I got a chance to taste the pain.

Idk man I just feel so irritated over "life". I think "life" have no meaning to me at all.

(---------------------RANTING---------------------)

Everybody changes. They become stronger, weaker. Become a happier person, sadist or I don't know haha. I don't even know what I've become to now. I've come to the state where I give no balls to the people around me. It is just so................tiring. I feel insecure when people get too attached to me, even to the person who I'm close with. I back out and find myself space, & people often mistook me as a "bad person". "Bad person" meaning that I'm just using people. Once I'm done using you, I'll throw you aside. People just see things from the outside, they don't even bother knowing what actually happened.

I'm a complicated person. Corrupted. Hard to understand. Yes I get that a lot. But to actually think my so called "friend" said that he was so glad that I found  someone as a replacement to take my bullshit. Why? Because he can't handle it. Wow. Once again, my trust towards people decreased. I see no reason why I should give my best when people don't. Everyone have problems. I have mine. I share it with someone, they go around judging. I keep quiet, they say I don't treat them as a friend. Too much for you to handle? Why did you even get close to me in the first place? You know I'm a fuck up person, yet you're still willing to hear my "bullshit". They say, "You can talk to me if you're feeling down." "I'll always be here for you." "I'll never leave." That's what they all always say. Actions speak louder than words. Those are just "air" words. You don't say it. You prove it. 

I don't take initiatives. Not anymore. Wanna talk? Someone have to start up a conversation first. Think it is too tiring for you? I'm sorry. This is who I am right now and if you don't like it then sayonara. If I don't see you trying, what makes you think I should give in my best? Always saying why I don't take initiatives? Hello you are doing the same thing. Saying you stayed? I see birds flying on my phone screen, ghost flying around me in school. You have totally no right to call me a bitch on twitter or indirecting tweet to me. I get it. It's for me. I thought you were someone different. Aww no you weren't. You were the same as everybody else. Thinking I have too many bullshits, too hard to handle, attention seeker, replacing you with somebody else, saying I didn't give in my best, thinking I'm a bitch. That totally didn't hurt. Okay carry on thinking this way. Ever seeing me scolding you a bastard? All right everything is my fault. You are right. You're the only one who is hurt. The innocent one.

I'm struggling myself to get rid of my stubborn personality of not talking to people when they get too close. And there I see you indirecting tweet about me. Who on earth will still dare talk to you when you do that? Here I am struggling doing something I never thought I would ever do and you go around doing that? You kidding me bro. Seriously, I think 1/10 people will still dare talk to that person who gave awkward stares and indirecting tweet about them. But I'm part of the 9/10. You without seeing me putting in effort, doesn't mean I didn't put in effort. 

Disappointed in you. Believing you're someone different. 
But I was wrong.

Sick and tired.

Hi blogger! Finally took the energy to use my laptop after so long. During the past 3 months(when I stopped blogging), many things happened.

To start off with, I'm going to show you a picture of my favourite lesbian partner!❤❤❤

She is my best friend and so called the only female friend I trust the most. After so many things that happened, I realized some things. The "friend" that I trusted, turns out to be the one that leak out secrets. Once again, I'm being too naive. I am upset not because of her telling others my secret, but upset in the changes in her. People change for the better, but she change for the worse.

I am like so tired of people. So tired to be the one taking the initiative to talk to someone first. So tired to care about my surroundings. So tired to care about what others dislike about me. So tired to try.

I'M JUST SO TIRED.

People dislike me right after they heard something bad about me. And why is that so? Why can't you just get to know me more and realize what they say are false? I mean if its true, then you have the rights to dislike me. If not, why?!?!?!?!?!! I don't understand.

People come and go and I already saw this coming. It happens so frequently that I find it normal when people does that. So when they are planning to leave, I just open the door and hahaha let them leave.

I just get so depressed at the same thing over and over again. I don't know why this keeps on happening to me. Continuously telling myself it doesn't matter, but actually, it matters a lot.

I'm all smiles on the outside, but inside I'm like :( :( :(. I really hope I'll be able to smile properly one day. My daily life is just so shitty. Shitty life cycle keeps on repeating itself. WHAT A LIFELESS GIRL.

Shall wait for another month and see what will happen next. Hopefully things may turn out good?

*finger cross*

I really don't know what topic is this haha

HI BEAUTIFUL OR THE HANSUMS OUT THERE! I'm back after one week. From now on, I'm just going to post once a week or perhaps once every two weeks. School has officially reopened and that means hell. So when I say going to school, it actually means I'm preparing for a battlefield. Not because of the studies, but the people. Ya know, I am getting sick of all this meaningless and pointless stuffs. I'm already wearing my armour and helmet, but still, people is trying to get rid of those and shoot me down. And why? To be honest, I don't really know and I don't want to know. 

One thing I find super annoying is probably indirect tweets. You know what? It is stupid. E.g. I tweet a indirect tweet to that "someone" and that "someone" knows you're referring to him/her and she/he indirectly reply to your indirect tweets and you'll say "OMG guilty conscious maybe?".
It is confusing but I think you guys should know what I'm trying to say. I mean if you got the guts to send a indirect tweet, you should have the guts to admit and quit using "oh he/she is guilty conscious" as an excuse. Obviously that someone you were referring to knows you were referring to them. If they're dense and do not know, I mean then that is a different case. 

Just to let you guys know, if you happen to feel......depressed, or maybe demoralised, don't be! Of course I do feel like this most of the times, but I found out one thing. Why let that someone ruin your happy mood? And don't go around saying, "Damn he/she is such a bitch". If you were to say that, doesn't it mean that you're one of them too? So the best way is to ignore. Why bother wasting your precious time on those people? I know its hard, but trust me, you'll be thrilled. Those people who try to pull you down, is basically just trying to seek your attention, or satisfying themselves. For some cases, they are just born like that. If you don't give them your attention, what can they do about it? Nothing. Hahaha. Just know that at least there is still people standing at your side and not at their's. 

After several experiences, I learned so many things. I'm really thankful to those people who gave me this chance to learn lol. Because without them, I'll still be foolishly get tricked by their scheming words and actions. 

Btw, I realised that Mr See, my humanities teacher, read my blog! So hey Mr see, if you're reading this....................OMG YOU STALKER HAHAHAHA!

This post is actually just me trying to vent my frustrations that kinda happened to me and I'm summarising it and telling you guys my experience! It may not help you in anything, but I'm just saying y'know hahaha.  

This is just a random picture I found on tumblr and hey, IT IS SO TRUE! 

So the main point of this picture is just saying do what you want(but don't do the wrong things), why care what people thinks? You like it, just do it. Screw what people thinks. 

I'm so sorry if all my post is meaningless and confusing! But I just typed out everything that comes to my head so I hope at least you'll enjoy reading it?☺

Until next time! Muacks bye

ME AND MY SCHOOL LIFE

This is going to be a confusing and messy post so put on your seat belts and get ready! I believe most of you are schooling right? I can totally understand how you feel. One word. "Sian". Maybe some of you feel excited for school but for what I know, I don't like school. 

So my previous post was about moving on and blah blah blah and there I was thinking it was easy to move on but hell no. I was wrong. I thought I can be completely okay. But you know what? I'm not okay. Everything was perfectly fine until I saw that one person. That person used to be my 24/7 text buddy. I really wonder what actually happened back then that we eventually stop contacting each other and slowly drifting apart. And of course, we're like complete strangers right now.

I recall many memories of my third year in school and I really missed it a lot. This will really bore you out but I am still gonna write it out anyways. And what you're about to read is what I really missed doing with my different ex-friends.
I miss waiting for you/you waiting for me at the mrt station to take the same train back. I miss talking to you. I miss braiding your hair. I miss slacking in the bus interchange with you. I miss having lunch with you. I miss running away tgt when we see the DM. I miss sitting together with you. I miss you coming to my house. I miss your attention. I miss your voice. I miss everything.
There is so many things that I missed. It is also kinda dumb for me to miss such things. 

So I was really heartbroken when that person deliberately ignored me. I already know that this will happened, but still......I'm upset. Is like our eyes met, but we pretended as if we didn't. We take the same train, but we pretended as if we're strangers. We walk the same pavement, but we pretended like its nothing at all. I don't know when am I going to learn to let go. But when I think to myself, "Hey. That person don't even care that you left their life. So why do you care?". So my heart finally told me to stop wasting my time. I can't tell all those things that happened to me whether if it's killing me or it's making me stronger.

I keep telling myself, "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.". The reason why am I feeling so frustrated is because I care for the person who left my life but that person................probably don't feel the same way. Why am I trying so hard to let them stay in my life? Why can't I just kick them out of my life like what they did?
It is really hard. Hard trying to stay strong for everyone around you with a fake smile that quickly goes away when you're alone. I find my words so contradicting. One moment I said I can move one and the next moment I'm like dying. WHY
Bernice ahhhhhh, stop wasting your time on people who don't care about you. WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER THAT?

Ok enough of depression. I actually think that I changed a lot. Like A LOT. I admit I used to be a bitchy girl. I get angry over those stupid things, scolding with vulgarities  I also like guys talking to me and I get all excited when they take the initiative to talk to me. Is natural right? I don't have to hide about that. I mean If I don't feel that way, it means I'm like a lesbian haha omg. But right now, the current me, I feel like I'm a different person. I'm not sure whether or not some part of me that I've changed is good or bad but I'm glad I've changed. I didn't know about this until I went to school. I don't get angry easily anymore. The people that I used to think that were irritating, I think they're pretty nice actually. I stopped defining people as "bitches'. I am not as judgmental as what I am last year. I don't feel a thing when guys talk to me. I don't put in effort in making people to notice me. I don't mind being alone.
So you see, forget what hurt you, but never forget what it taught you. Laugh a little louder, smile a little brighter. Prove to the person who walk away from you at your lowest that you can live without them. I am going too try that too. So let's find someone better out there to come into your life and remember to love yourself. Because if you don't, who will? It takes time, but it comes sooner or later. So stay strong. 

You know, actually I think I'm crazy. My blog is insanely messy. One part, I'm writing about staying strong, and the next part I'm writing things like I'm about to die. I really don't know what I'm thinking. But I think what I do know, is that I can't just fall easy. It proves to people that I'm a noob haha omg. So that's about it, call me crazy or anything but I'm really just writing what I really feel and think.