Badmouthing.

I've come to understand this recently.. It is almost impossible to not badmouth about somebody. Even if its your good friend. We are humans, we get angry too. We all have to vent our anger. The feeling of keeping everything inside you is just so unbearable......it might tear ourself apart anytime. 

People is a scary living thing. E.g. if I were to vent my anger, badmouth about someone to somebody, that 'somebody' will degrade me from being a "girl" to a "bitch". Not only that, that 'somebody' will tell 'someone'(the one that I badmouthed about) what I said. 

This happens so frequently that everyone thinks that it is normal to do so. I know it is a bad thing to badmouth about someone. But seriously, name me someone who don't. I believe everyone needs to vent. Keeping all the anger and sadness within you is just crazy.

The thing that frustrates me the most is when I vent to somebody. Somehow, that somebody will make use of this chance and pull me down. Telling what I said to everyone, and people start judging me. 

To be honest, I was once like that too. I get a slight tangy feeling of happiness(so pathetic.) But after experiencing it myself, I got a chance to taste the pain.

Idk man I just feel so irritated over "life". I think "life" have no meaning to me at all.

(---------------------RANTING---------------------)

Everybody changes. They become stronger, weaker. Become a happier person, sadist or I don't know haha. I don't even know what I've become to now. I've come to the state where I give no balls to the people around me. It is just so................tiring. I feel insecure when people get too attached to me, even to the person who I'm close with. I back out and find myself space, & people often mistook me as a "bad person". "Bad person" meaning that I'm just using people. Once I'm done using you, I'll throw you aside. People just see things from the outside, they don't even bother knowing what actually happened.

I'm a complicated person. Corrupted. Hard to understand. Yes I get that a lot. But to actually think my so called "friend" said that he was so glad that I found  someone as a replacement to take my bullshit. Why? Because he can't handle it. Wow. Once again, my trust towards people decreased. I see no reason why I should give my best when people don't. Everyone have problems. I have mine. I share it with someone, they go around judging. I keep quiet, they say I don't treat them as a friend. Too much for you to handle? Why did you even get close to me in the first place? You know I'm a fuck up person, yet you're still willing to hear my "bullshit". They say, "You can talk to me if you're feeling down." "I'll always be here for you." "I'll never leave." That's what they all always say. Actions speak louder than words. Those are just "air" words. You don't say it. You prove it. 

I don't take initiatives. Not anymore. Wanna talk? Someone have to start up a conversation first. Think it is too tiring for you? I'm sorry. This is who I am right now and if you don't like it then sayonara. If I don't see you trying, what makes you think I should give in my best? Always saying why I don't take initiatives? Hello you are doing the same thing. Saying you stayed? I see birds flying on my phone screen, ghost flying around me in school. You have totally no right to call me a bitch on twitter or indirecting tweet to me. I get it. It's for me. I thought you were someone different. Aww no you weren't. You were the same as everybody else. Thinking I have too many bullshits, too hard to handle, attention seeker, replacing you with somebody else, saying I didn't give in my best, thinking I'm a bitch. That totally didn't hurt. Okay carry on thinking this way. Ever seeing me scolding you a bastard? All right everything is my fault. You are right. You're the only one who is hurt. The innocent one.

I'm struggling myself to get rid of my stubborn personality of not talking to people when they get too close. And there I see you indirecting tweet about me. Who on earth will still dare talk to you when you do that? Here I am struggling doing something I never thought I would ever do and you go around doing that? You kidding me bro. Seriously, I think 1/10 people will still dare talk to that person who gave awkward stares and indirecting tweet about them. But I'm part of the 9/10. You without seeing me putting in effort, doesn't mean I didn't put in effort. 

Disappointed in you. Believing you're someone different. 
But I was wrong.

Sick and tired.

Hi blogger! Finally took the energy to use my laptop after so long. During the past 3 months(when I stopped blogging), many things happened.

To start off with, I'm going to show you a picture of my favourite lesbian partner!❤❤❤

She is my best friend and so called the only female friend I trust the most. After so many things that happened, I realized some things. The "friend" that I trusted, turns out to be the one that leak out secrets. Once again, I'm being too naive. I am upset not because of her telling others my secret, but upset in the changes in her. People change for the better, but she change for the worse.

I am like so tired of people. So tired to be the one taking the initiative to talk to someone first. So tired to care about my surroundings. So tired to care about what others dislike about me. So tired to try.

I'M JUST SO TIRED.

People dislike me right after they heard something bad about me. And why is that so? Why can't you just get to know me more and realize what they say are false? I mean if its true, then you have the rights to dislike me. If not, why?!?!?!?!?!! I don't understand.

People come and go and I already saw this coming. It happens so frequently that I find it normal when people does that. So when they are planning to leave, I just open the door and hahaha let them leave.

I just get so depressed at the same thing over and over again. I don't know why this keeps on happening to me. Continuously telling myself it doesn't matter, but actually, it matters a lot.

I'm all smiles on the outside, but inside I'm like :( :( :(. I really hope I'll be able to smile properly one day. My daily life is just so shitty. Shitty life cycle keeps on repeating itself. WHAT A LIFELESS GIRL.

Shall wait for another month and see what will happen next. Hopefully things may turn out good?

*finger cross*

I really don't know what topic is this haha

HI BEAUTIFUL OR THE HANSUMS OUT THERE! I'm back after one week. From now on, I'm just going to post once a week or perhaps once every two weeks. School has officially reopened and that means hell. So when I say going to school, it actually means I'm preparing for a battlefield. Not because of the studies, but the people. Ya know, I am getting sick of all this meaningless and pointless stuffs. I'm already wearing my armour and helmet, but still, people is trying to get rid of those and shoot me down. And why? To be honest, I don't really know and I don't want to know. 

One thing I find super annoying is probably indirect tweets. You know what? It is stupid. E.g. I tweet a indirect tweet to that "someone" and that "someone" knows you're referring to him/her and she/he indirectly reply to your indirect tweets and you'll say "OMG guilty conscious maybe?".
It is confusing but I think you guys should know what I'm trying to say. I mean if you got the guts to send a indirect tweet, you should have the guts to admit and quit using "oh he/she is guilty conscious" as an excuse. Obviously that someone you were referring to knows you were referring to them. If they're dense and do not know, I mean then that is a different case. 

Just to let you guys know, if you happen to feel......depressed, or maybe demoralised, don't be! Of course I do feel like this most of the times, but I found out one thing. Why let that someone ruin your happy mood? And don't go around saying, "Damn he/she is such a bitch". If you were to say that, doesn't it mean that you're one of them too? So the best way is to ignore. Why bother wasting your precious time on those people? I know its hard, but trust me, you'll be thrilled. Those people who try to pull you down, is basically just trying to seek your attention, or satisfying themselves. For some cases, they are just born like that. If you don't give them your attention, what can they do about it? Nothing. Hahaha. Just know that at least there is still people standing at your side and not at their's. 

After several experiences, I learned so many things. I'm really thankful to those people who gave me this chance to learn lol. Because without them, I'll still be foolishly get tricked by their scheming words and actions. 

Btw, I realised that Mr See, my humanities teacher, read my blog! So hey Mr see, if you're reading this....................OMG YOU STALKER HAHAHAHA!

This post is actually just me trying to vent my frustrations that kinda happened to me and I'm summarising it and telling you guys my experience! It may not help you in anything, but I'm just saying y'know hahaha.  

This is just a random picture I found on tumblr and hey, IT IS SO TRUE! 

So the main point of this picture is just saying do what you want(but don't do the wrong things), why care what people thinks? You like it, just do it. Screw what people thinks. 

I'm so sorry if all my post is meaningless and confusing! But I just typed out everything that comes to my head so I hope at least you'll enjoy reading it?☺

Until next time! Muacks bye

ME AND MY SCHOOL LIFE

This is going to be a confusing and messy post so put on your seat belts and get ready! I believe most of you are schooling right? I can totally understand how you feel. One word. "Sian". Maybe some of you feel excited for school but for what I know, I don't like school. 

So my previous post was about moving on and blah blah blah and there I was thinking it was easy to move on but hell no. I was wrong. I thought I can be completely okay. But you know what? I'm not okay. Everything was perfectly fine until I saw that one person. That person used to be my 24/7 text buddy. I really wonder what actually happened back then that we eventually stop contacting each other and slowly drifting apart. And of course, we're like complete strangers right now.

I recall many memories of my third year in school and I really missed it a lot. This will really bore you out but I am still gonna write it out anyways. And what you're about to read is what I really missed doing with my different ex-friends.
I miss waiting for you/you waiting for me at the mrt station to take the same train back. I miss talking to you. I miss braiding your hair. I miss slacking in the bus interchange with you. I miss having lunch with you. I miss running away tgt when we see the DM. I miss sitting together with you. I miss you coming to my house. I miss your attention. I miss your voice. I miss everything.
There is so many things that I missed. It is also kinda dumb for me to miss such things. 

So I was really heartbroken when that person deliberately ignored me. I already know that this will happened, but still......I'm upset. Is like our eyes met, but we pretended as if we didn't. We take the same train, but we pretended as if we're strangers. We walk the same pavement, but we pretended like its nothing at all. I don't know when am I going to learn to let go. But when I think to myself, "Hey. That person don't even care that you left their life. So why do you care?". So my heart finally told me to stop wasting my time. I can't tell all those things that happened to me whether if it's killing me or it's making me stronger.

I keep telling myself, "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.". The reason why am I feeling so frustrated is because I care for the person who left my life but that person................probably don't feel the same way. Why am I trying so hard to let them stay in my life? Why can't I just kick them out of my life like what they did?
It is really hard. Hard trying to stay strong for everyone around you with a fake smile that quickly goes away when you're alone. I find my words so contradicting. One moment I said I can move one and the next moment I'm like dying. WHY
Bernice ahhhhhh, stop wasting your time on people who don't care about you. WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER THAT?

Ok enough of depression. I actually think that I changed a lot. Like A LOT. I admit I used to be a bitchy girl. I get angry over those stupid things, scolding with vulgarities  I also like guys talking to me and I get all excited when they take the initiative to talk to me. Is natural right? I don't have to hide about that. I mean If I don't feel that way, it means I'm like a lesbian haha omg. But right now, the current me, I feel like I'm a different person. I'm not sure whether or not some part of me that I've changed is good or bad but I'm glad I've changed. I didn't know about this until I went to school. I don't get angry easily anymore. The people that I used to think that were irritating, I think they're pretty nice actually. I stopped defining people as "bitches'. I am not as judgmental as what I am last year. I don't feel a thing when guys talk to me. I don't put in effort in making people to notice me. I don't mind being alone.
So you see, forget what hurt you, but never forget what it taught you. Laugh a little louder, smile a little brighter. Prove to the person who walk away from you at your lowest that you can live without them. I am going too try that too. So let's find someone better out there to come into your life and remember to love yourself. Because if you don't, who will? It takes time, but it comes sooner or later. So stay strong. 

You know, actually I think I'm crazy. My blog is insanely messy. One part, I'm writing about staying strong, and the next part I'm writing things like I'm about to die. I really don't know what I'm thinking. But I think what I do know, is that I can't just fall easy. It proves to people that I'm a noob haha omg. So that's about it, call me crazy or anything but I'm really just writing what I really feel and think.

Goodbye 2012. Hello 2013.

Brand new year, brand new beginning. 

100% No doubt, this year is a really hectic and shitty year. 
 Looking back, I haven't really made many friends. I'm not sure why I can't make friends, but it bothers me a lot. But right now, I start to realize that the number of friends I have don't matter at all. All I have to know is that at least I have friends that'll be there for me when I fall. 
Even though I don't have many friends, it's okay. I used to struggle a lot, felt insecure at many things and having low self confidence. But there were friends who were willing to be there for me. It was a total breakthrough this year, but I guess I somehow learned how to handle it.
Sometimes, I seriously feel stressed out when I told my friends, "Ya know, I really don't have many friends.", and my friends will just tell me to quit joking. I mean even if I was lying, what benefit will it bring me? I don't get why "I" look like I have many friends, even though I don't. 

I lost friends that were really important to me. Maybe it was like nothing for that person, but it means a lot to me. I just don't understand why people(or perhaps friends) always don't get the facts right before taking sides. It happened to me once. My friend was listening to the other party's story, but she didn't listen to mine. So eventually, and obviously, my friend will leave my side. I was confronted. To be honest, I was really feeling rather nervous about it since it was my first time. And I ended crying. But it was not because I was afraid, it was because the person who I believed was my friend, did not help me. I took such a huge courage talking to her but she didn't even bother looking at me. I'm not trying to gain any sympathy and this paragraph actually meant nothing. I just want to throw out all the bad memories since today is the last day of 2012 and I want to start my new year clean and fresh. 

Many things happened, and I was misunderstood by many things. Most of the time when all I wanted was to dissolve the misunderstanding, it'll make me look like I'm a bad person. When my intentions was good, they mistook it as bad. So right now, I don't really bother to do anything if I were to be misunderstood b'cos it'll turn out bad anyway. Most likely I think it has to do with my personality. I find it hard to express myself with actions, especially with words. I am overly-shy and it irritates the hell outta me.

I have many problems, but I enjoyed overcoming it though. I learned many things through this experiences and no doubt, I became stronger. I felt like I was standing at the peak of the mountain way to many times and I was tempted to just jump down. But right now, the current me, will slowly walk down the mountain and make my way. Its true that there were many tough obstacles for me to go  through. But without that, I won't be the "me" today.

I was broken into pieces, I was burning in flames and I was crying. It hurts having to experience this emotions but who cares? I've had enough. Ever heard of "You lose something, but you'll gain something in return." I believe in this. I'm so not gonna brood over things I've lost. Their faces occasionally appear out of a blue in my head, but I'll get over it. I'll just turn them into beautiful memories or perhaps treat it as a dream? 

This post is actually just to clear off my head and giving a special thanks to my friends. I love you all. Even though I can't express this love clearly, I just want you guys to know I really love you.

 This is going to be my last picture for this year.

(p.s. Took this picture right after I woke up)

  
 I've learned to let go off things, even though I don't want to. You lose things, but isn't that part of living? 

Goodbye 2012. You made me laugh, you made me cry. But it is time to move on.
This post probably bore you out, but it was my heartfelt words. I wish you guys a happy 2013!

Till next year! muacks 

23/12/12

It was the day before Christmas Eve. I had to clear up the living room, mop the floor and do the laundry and make sure it was spic and span before the party. Had to prepare fried rice and phew! Thank god they say it tasted not bad! My sister's friend came over to our house for a early Christmas party. I wasn't celebrating it with them but I did join in the gift exchange! I got a package of Body Shop's body lotion package and a box of maltesers! HEHE I'M SO HAPPIE

Hi :-*

    YAY I got my present!                   EH Y U NO COME OUT                  Hehe it finally got out

CHRISTMAS EVE

Had to rush to Somerset 313 to get my Christmas presents. And yes, I went alone. Everyone was like giving me the "hahaha she's a loner" look. COME ON U NEVER SEE A GIRL BUYING THINGS ALONE BEFORE MEH? I know I have. Everywhere I go, there will definitely be offers! It was so tempting but I was out of cash.... Got my things in hand and had to train all the way to Choa Chu Kang to meet my sister's friend and pass her something. I look so kuku lol having to hold so many things. It was damn heavy! Passed her her stuffs and she gave me chocolates as a Christmas present! :3
And I have to train back to Yew Tee zzzz. Went to buy wrapping paper and I'm done! My hand was seriously filled with paper and plastic bags. Look so kuku but I also looked rich HAHAHA ok no joke man it was seriously heavy. 
Have to walk to my aunt's house UGH. Today was so rushing. Rush here, rush there, totally no rest! Reached her house, and I have to immediately get my fruits that I brought from home and dice it. Basically, I have to prepare fruit salad for the party!
All my relatives had arrived and woolala the whole table was filled with food! Turkey, ham, spaghetti, mashed potato, chicken wings, veges, sausages, kebab. SOUNDS LIKE HEAVEN.
    

 idk why my face look so...horrible

Youngsters area

 

OOTD

Ate so much that my stomach is already bursting^^^^

The party was so fun! Everyone was all smiley and enjoying every single thing there. Oh and the gift exchange was so hilarious! We are supposed to prepare unisex items but my guy cousins received some girly things HAHAHA. Anyway, I really had fun and I wished there will be like more of such parties.

✿CHRISTMAS DAY✿

As all of you know, it's Christmas Day!!! I think all of you should be having fun exchanging presents and enjoying turkey/ham at home. After like 7-8 years, I'm finally celebrating Christmas! Just fyi, I'm a Buddhist. So mummy don't really celebrate Christmas at home.☹
Met up with Winnie to go for shopping at Bugis! It's crazy right? I mean who will go shopping on a Christmas Day???? I deliberately went shopping on that day because I know there will be many offers. HAHAHAHA OMG I AM SO OBASAN! I bought a skater skirt, a denim outerwear and a flower beads top. It only cost me $45! If there were no offers, I think it'll cost around......$65 and above? Being an obasan is totally worth it! We hang out just for awhile because both of us had to rush back to have our dinner.

 Camwhored and the train kept shaking so

that's why the picture was kinda blurry!

HAHA SAY HI TO THE RETARDS

 

  

Bought Sushi for mummy to celebrate Christmas. She was drinking and she even gave me a few mouthfuls of alcohol. I was starting to get a little tipsy but she SO HIGH. She kept singing and shouting lol luckily no one throw eggs down to our house. We were goddamn tired(I think we were drunk??) and slept like a log. Hahaha that's how I ended my Christmas night.

✿I wish you all a Merry Christmas!✿

Bye loves :-*